I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
