if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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