I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
