remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
