If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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