You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
