We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
