dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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