Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
