Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
