My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
