Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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