I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
