Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
