420 ftw
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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