my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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