Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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