he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
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He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
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Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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