I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro