i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.