i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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