I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
