i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
