I think I won the penis lottery.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
