oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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