apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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