Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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