If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
