How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
