Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Are my feet made of real feet?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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