The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
even my farts smell like vagina
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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