ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
