He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
