just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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