i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
