One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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