I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize