Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
