He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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