My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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