this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
