nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
