Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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