my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
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Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
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I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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