I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
