More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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