i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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