She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
