I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
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You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
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And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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