I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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