she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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