guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
