Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
