did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
