I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
