Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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