I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
